the hurt the heart and the healing

why on earth can i not get my shit together lately? i'm so very tired of dealing with depression. i sit here day after day, trying to make sense of life, not living it. that's sort of how depression works. you just wait for the exit. nobody tells you which one it is or how long you'll be driving, you just have to guess at it and hope.

it hurts to feel so alone with depression. it feels like you can't make sense of anything real and you end up interpreting dreams to your partner, trying to squirm out of the muck by some symbolic means. maybe in my dreams i am not depressed... maybe that means some place in me isn't suffering. you hold that there in your mind for a few days and pretend until you wake up weak again without reason. you just trudge on again, another day, another false exit.

in your heart, everything feels blank paged, white and fuzzy. like an old tv station, the black and white sandstorm just blows around not making any sense. you know you can love. you know you are lovable. but not now. not like this. it's hard to press GO on anything because it feels like one big constant fuck up. one huge mistake you're about to make after another. i can do the sexual side of love, because it's a certain exit. but the emotional side of love feels broken into many pieces scattered all over. hurt and resentments keep blowing over the warmth and generous nature i am so used to.

i try and impregnate my ideas with objective thinking and logic. i try and reason with an insane and illogical illness. depression doesn't really care if my house is clean. clean sheets feel good, but it's not helping me get out of bed. if anything, it's the opposite. i drive and get a coffee. it's like the three bears- too sweet, too strong or too cold. nothing fits, emotionally speaking.

healing takes so much courage because it's working hard. it's practice, just living [surviving] with depression. I'm sitting across from my 17 year old, doing her homework, trying to understand how i got here? how on earth did i go from 25 to 45 year old? why did i waste the years right after my gastric bypass, the skinny years, holed up inside my house, dating someone in another country? i have to accept that repeatedly, i have made so many irrational decisions i can't even blame anyone else for what a state i am in. looking back, i did this things to myself. i gave up on me and either on purpose or subconsciously, i failed my dreams.

i regained weight, i started smoking or drinking again, i stopped working out or even walking, i'd repeatedly buy crap i didn't need, i ate horribly, i sank further into the lowest career one could have- and neglected all my bright shiny starstuff in favor of someone who would be jealous, dampening and completely wrong for me. what do i do these things for? how do these people even come into my life? it's as if by some strange law of fatal attraction, the worst things keep denting my armor.

i don't really have any armor now to dent. i just don't try. i guess that's a lot of this depressive episode... i really just gave up on myself. i figured i'll not go back to school, or change my status or class or net worth- i'm 45, not going to be a hot market item, why bother? why not just scrub floors and go to AA meetings and give up? hell, i even gave up talking. i really can't even do that any more. i don't talk. i think that's kind of a big deal, maybe i should mention to my doctor...? who is verbal and sassy for 25 years, then just gives up speaking?

anyway. i am small and i have caused a lo of my own troubles. i have been a selfish child or a traumatized adult and what is left at my age is a really, really exhausted woman who has no idea what to do next.