Wednesday, March 25, 2009
when my back is sore, i am my mother.
when my mouth is violent, i am my father.
saying how it is your fault, i am my mom.
when i work and hate being bothered, i am my dad.
my trivial love of flowers and butterflies, i am my mother.
the unspoken things, the silent emotions, i am my father.
when i have to scream, i am my mother.
when i have to scream *at someone* i am my father.
my undying addiction to reading and words, i am mom.
with my constant counting and compulsions, i am my dad.
when i hate myself i am my mother.
when i hate everyone else, i am my father.
being a child, i am my mother.
being a baby, i am my father.
when i want everything for everyone else, i am my mother.
when i want everything for myself, i am my father.
in these moments of self-pity, i am my mom.
in the moments of self-glorification, hello dad.
i am a product of two circles, joined, overlapping.
a ring of fire and a lake of ice.
Monday, March 23, 2009
because of the people who use it. rather the *type* of 20-something internet shithead girl who uses it in reference to art, writing or photos. give me a fucking break.
again, i actually don't mind the word, i just dislike it when someone uses it incorrectly. here is the definition:
schmaltz | sh mälts; sh môlts| (also schmalz)
excessive sentimentality, esp. in music or movies.
so shut up already.
this word defined should be changed to 'Yiddish for American public school system' but it is also applied to 'journalism' and i agree.
because of that song from the 1990s that i will never EVER be able to use this word without actually singing that song... and hating every moment of it. and do not front, you know that song will get stuck in your head if you use the word "cumbersome" as well.
actually, one of my favorite words. [and frequently used in reference to anything from a queer boy's outfit or gelled hair, to the way my mouse sticks without allowing me to scroll.]
**but i really dislike the word because when i called a boy a 'faggot' in the fourth grade, my teacher forced me to write "i will not call thorn a faggit" and when i corrected her spelling, she made me write it one hundred more times.
**(see schlock AKA public school system)
before i die? how about before i turn 40?
take my daughter to the Grand Canyon
because in terms of God, i have never seen anything close to it. but the Grand Canyon is just awe-inspiring. one of the things that renews my faith.
meet philip roth
he's probably the closest thing ever to my perfect imagined man... he's the holder of my sweet innocent childish "daddy" fetishes and the intellectual woman's diseased infatuation. professorial and dirty; i think meeting him would change my life. will it happen? eh, who knows. probably not. he's reclusive and i'm a world away. but if ever- yes. i'd jizz in my pants.
have a diamond wedding ring
i have never owned a diamond ring that was bought especially for me. it may sound shallow, but it's a princess thing. i think all little girls want to be a secret princess and all women secretly want a big diamond from their husband.
have sex with a woman
i have had sex with girls, but not women. and i think now that i am older it would be very different and i'd like to find out if it's as awesome in real life as it is in my head. haha. plus i doubt my boyfriend would mind very much.
meet crystal acebal
she's this, you know, this member of the internet literati. i love her words and i love her mind. i have such deep feelings for this person i have never even spoken to on the phone. we've been internet friends for, well, going on 10 years now. it's AMAZING. to love and respect someone so much after that long. i just imagine hugging her to be the most warm and haling thing i'll ever do. no pressure! but that's it. meeting her would totally change me. i know this.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
the three best break-up songs for me. there are so many more, it seems like my life is based on heartache and breaking up with really good guys. i *think* i am settled down now, but who knows? ...breaking up is almost natural to me at this point. :)
the lines "she's oblivious despite herself" make this an awesome break-up song. and the line "it's so hard to love when love was your great disappointment." LOVE this song, and Tori's version is my favorite.
This was actually sent to me by an ex-boyfriend, which is cool because i kind of got his point of view on the break-up mess. we followed one another around online even after the break-up, for over six years. sometimes i drag out this song to have a pity party... and the killahurtz mix is really awesome.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
i am just going to say that while i don’t particularly agree with the redesign of toys for older kids and leaving out this [original] doll, i will say that i personally know of a little girl who at around ages 4-6 looked so much like Dora. then about a year ago i saw her, and she is older and guess what? she looks JUST like the new tween version of dora…. so it’s not just some trashy thing to abuse girls. girls do get older. and this is a toy that is on its way out without an update, so i kind of get it seeing as how my fianceé is in marketing. i think the thing is to realize that the make-up might be a bit over the top, but it’s not “evil” or anything. i DO, however, agree that the skin lightening and the facial structure is slightly different [more anglo] so, hrm. it’s just wacky. though it could just be the hair making things look so structurally different. she definitely is thinner, but again, this is a part of the process for many girls in growing UP. we get taller and we thin out. so conversely, a toy redesign and logo update are nothing new. and if you want to turn the tables, look at what has happened to boys’ toys… oh wait! they have ALWAYS been about violence and unattainable muscle mass. my bad.
Friday, March 20, 2009
i REALLY don't enjoy looking for a new house. sure, like everyone i don't like moving and packing and all that stuff, but i have just grown so used to my place. i really love that it's mostly MINE. we were allowed to paint it and decorate with minimal input from the landlord. so that's great. but i guess we're sort of in a rut, and our landlord isn't really helping by not fixing some major problems.
the worst thing about a new place is trying to figure out what exactly we'll need and what to look for in a house that we can possibly have in our lives for several years. being sick right now does not help any of this. i know my lack of nutrition and exercise has really jolted my immune system. i am probably the LEAST healthy i have been in many moons. sadly.
i think i am just reaching some kind of turning point. i have SO many opportunities in my career and in my personal life, that the options seem overwhelming. while it might sound exciting, the truth is, i just like laying around and watching TV and dancing with my daughter, so to have so much to decide, just makes me full of anxiety.
i think it will get taken care of. we have a mantra around our house:
Good Things Are Coming.
i just have to find the strength to believe and conquer.
with courage and a sound mind, i know i can get through this.
but right now folks, i am weak. like a tiny baby. i appear so strong, but inside, i just wish i didn't have to make choices!