the ghost in scotland

I have been doing little else besides saying "dinna fash" to my 3 dogs and staying cooler by watching outlander & enjoying cooking. i had a big garden this year and made lots of food from it. my eyes finally went south this year, i don't draw or make much or write often. so frustrating to lose the gift of sight. i do wear readers, but it's not the same. i also developed a lot of grey streaking in my hair. i imagine due to age & the stress of losing both parents in the last 4 years, 2 years apart. Dad died on mom's birthday and then mom passed away on my sister's 50th. I held out for a few years even writing about it. there was a time i couldn't imagine being silent, creatively, but i have a community now. people who need me and who i am grateful to in my recovery. i suppose i spend more time living, than creating art about living.

it's in the 90s today here in arkansas. i am book-ended by hot and cold extremes, very few places on the planet experience. I miss writing. i miss the sound of my keys and my voice overlapping in the written word, not silent, but not spoken. I actually speak a lot. MANY time over women and men have heard my story in public, and it has been therapeutic, but it's grown almost, dare i say, annoying and cringy to hear my own voice. I do love saying things in an accent, however. not a lot changes in that world. New week, new accent! My dogs & daughter think i'm kooky and that's fine. i am. Worse things than kooky, if you ask me.

I feel that grief plays a large role in creative block. Also, depression. I have learned so much about the process of being a person with a disability & that sort of liminal existence, as well as being very successful and happy where i am, but only due to gratitude. this year, i gave away more time than i earned a wage for. but it has a incredible feeling of joy behind it. money canna buy that. sassenach. :) I always hope, in some delusional part of me, that certain people I have loved will read my blog. without interrupting their lives or emailing or causing a muck, I hope people can see an update & figure i'm still out here, alive and hopeful. I never sold rings or got desperate and left my home. i am in the same spot now 5 years later. My mother passed away here. I developed my spirituality here. i made recovery happen here. sometimes, i feel it's time to move on, but my kid is only a single year from college now. i stay put & wait for that. then i can go... to california. to scotland. to just about anywhere i please. that was the right path and that was smart. i do not regret the wonderful relationship we have, nor choosing it.

i might also never wander off this arkansas hill, and that's okay too.
i might make art again. i might follow my lover to colorado in a converted camper van and sell trinkets and crystals. i certainly have so much vitality and life left in me. in many ways, i feel this is just the beginning of another entirely different story. letting go all the frustrations of the past and moving forward without them weighing me down any more. not trauma or resentments or addictions to feed- but just one unceremoniously serene day after the next, which are all just fine. unremarkable is, as unremarkable does. i certainly have had a huge adventure in life.  i hope to have many more.

my work and publications in a stack in my studio